I am always horrible at starting a new journal, and I'm feeling that same awkwardness as I start this blog. I never know what to say to get started. I feel the need to explain myself - who I am, why I'm writing, my whole life story- lol. I won't bore you with my entire story (not today, anyway), but I do want to give you a peek into who I am...
I'm Beth - a follower of Jesus Christ, a wife, and a mother to two beautiful children. I'm not perfect - in fact, sometimes I'm a hot mess! The thing that most impacted who today was meeting the LOVE OF MY LIFE. Our story is incredible, and I thought I'd start this blog by sharing it. I met him when I was five years old, and it's been such a journey ever since. It might sound crazy that I've known him that long, but I honestly knew he was the one for me at that age. I knew he loved me, and I loved him (the best a five year old could, I guess). I was in kindergarten, and I remember thinking it'd be appropriate to tell my entire class, and my teacher, that I was in love with him. Looking back, I think about how innocent that five year old little girl was, and it makes me happy to know I loved him so much at such an early age. Unfortunately, we drifted apart. It was almost 10 years before I reconnected with him. I just stopped talking to him, and when he'd try to talk to me, I'd ignore him. It was a hard 10 years for me - there were good times, but it was especially hard during my "tween-age" and teen years. I was so lonely. Truthfully, I became a little bit boy crazy. I was loved by my parents and my family, but I desperately wanted to be accepted and loved by a boy. I wanted to meet my prince charming like in the movies. I went through a season of depression and anxiety during middle school, and not coincidentally, that's when he reached out to me again. He started calling me, but I wouldn't answer (I"m ashamed to say that's something that I'd do over and over again). Eventually, I frustratingly talked to him. He said he still loved me just like he did when I was 5, and that he wanted me back. I was 14 years old, and just about to start high school. This is where things really started to pick up speed!
That summer, he and I spent a lot of time together. We talked almost non-stop! When I started school in August, that depressed anxious girl was gone. This guy had totally changed everything. I was happy and confident. I knew who I was, and I had purpose. I gave my heart completely to him, and committed to love him forever. I promised him I'd never love anyone more than him. I can honestly say that my freshman year of high school was my all-time favorite year of school! We were together that entire school year, and things were great. I fell so in love with him, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this amazing guy. Sophomore year started out pretty good, but then my grandparents both got sick at the same time, and I started having thyroid trouble. Looking back, I can see how I pushed him away. I wanted to handle everything going on in my family (and with me) on my own. I wanted to know that I could make it by myself. I loved him with all my heart, but I was so stubborn. He begged me to let him help me, but I said no. Finally, he gave me some space. I didn't know it then, but that was the worst mistake of my life. The next 10 years were the worst of my life so far.
I became a person I never dreamed I'd be - in a really really bad way. I decided during that sophomore year of high school that I should try seeing other people - maybe they'd fill the giant hole in my heart. The worst part was, I knew the whole time my heart really belonged to the guy I met when I was five. My grandpa died my Junior year, and I got into a serious relationship a few months later. My heart was hurting from losing my grandpa - he was the first person I really knew that died. I wanted a boyfriend so badly, and this guy swept me off my feet. He told me I was beautiful. He told me he loved me. I remember at the beginning of that relationship thinking, run away and go back to your true love. I chose not to. That choice had devastating consequences. I was with that guy for 3.5 years. I was in love, but I wasn't happy. There were times when I was so depressed and unhappy that I wanted to die. I even tried to act on those feelings once. That is incredibly difficult for me to say and admit, but I think it's so important to realize how messed up I'd become. I compromised on things I knew were wrong. I completely betrayed my first love. Meanwhile,my true love was desperately trying to get in touch with me. He called over and over. He kept sending me messages and telling me I was with the wrong guy and begging me to come back. He even talked to my family and friends and sent them to tell me I was making a mistake. He was persistent, but I was so incredibly stubborn and rebellious. I was engaged to my boyfriend by my senior year of high school, and started college totally distracted by thyroid surgery and wedding planning. After a couple of breakups and get-back-together's, I had totally flunked out of college. I lost my music and academic scholarships. Sometimes I still get mad at myself, but I can't go back. I can't blame anyone but myself either. I was consumed with the wedding and my boyfriend. We started having wedding showers and mailed the invitations. It was less than month before the big day, and he dumped me. Devastated isn't a strong enough word to describe how I felt.
I wish I could say that I picked myself up, called up my true love, and we rode into the sunset together, but that's not how our story goes. I had been away from my true love for so long, and I was so ashamed of the person I had become. I felt completely and utterly worthless - filthy and damaged and worthless. The next year was the darkest. I wanted to die again and was afraid of how unstable I was emotionally. The guy I met at five years old started calling, but I was too out of sorts to talk or listen. I felt like I was unreachable - from the entire world. He kept calling and calling, but I never answered. I went through several months laying in the bottom of this muddy disgusting pit (why I didn't choose a clean tile floor, I'll never know lol). When I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Another guy came into the picture for a very short time. I didn't care what was right or wrong, I didn't care who I hurt - I thought I was at rock bottom, but that pit got just a little deeper and more gross. It was spring of 2008, and I was laying face down in my awful pit when my true love showed up. I begged him to leave - I begged him not to look at me. I was humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me looking so repulsive. I made myself want to throw up, I couldn't fathom anyone else not wanting to when they looked at me. I cried and begged him again to leave me alone. I just wanted to die - just wanted to lay there and die in my stupid pit. My true love got quiet, and I thought for a minute that was going to leave. He didn't though - not by a long shot.
This amazing guy looked down at me with big crocodile tears running down his face and reached out his hand. I was to ashamed to take it. I'm telling you, I was filthy! How could I touch him after how I'd betrayed him. I promised that I'd love him forever, and I'd betrayed him. Finally, he reached down and picked me up. I couldn't raise my head to look at him. I had missed him so much, but how could he even look at me after all I'd done? He gently wrapped his arms around me, and I was too weak to even fight him this time. I just collapsed into them. Me not being the smallest person in the world figured he'd drop me, but he didn't - he held me up. I told him everything I'd done, and I cried till there were no tears left and I couldn't breathe. Please excuse the intimacy of the next part, but again, it's so vital to see how much this man loves me. He took my hand and led me to the bathroom. He turned on the hot water in the shower and told me to get in. This time, I didn't hesitate. I was mesmerized by him. He looked at me so differently than the other guys. He treated me differently than the other guys. His face was tear stained but strong. I stood there in my shower naked and exposed, and he began to wash me. I thought I couldn't cry more, but I did. He was so gentle and tender as he cleaned me up. All the filth from the pit washed down the drain. I had cuts and wounds, and he bandaged them for me. I still have the scars, but the dirt is gone. He kept telling me it was going to be ok, and that he loved me just like he did when I was five. How? I still can't wrap my head around that. How could he still love me? Why did he still love me? Why did he wash me? Why was he taking care of me? I hadn't talked to him in 10 years. I didn't even know him anymore. He laid down next to me that night and held me. Somehow, this man had given me a tiny spark of hope back. Maybe I would be ok.
I spent the next year getting to know him again. He was so patient with me. We did everything together. I struggled with guilt and regret, but he never even brought up my past. Our relationship flourished! I never dreamed I would find someone like him. I never dreamed that our relationship could look like it does today after everything I did to betray him. He is faithful, truthful, kind, compassionate, giving, steady, strong, loving, forgiving, and wonderful! Even today, I have to pinch myself sometimes because I still can't believe he wants me! I tell him everything, even the bad stuff. No matter what problem I'm having, I can go to him, and he always knows what to do. He takes care of me, protects me, and provides for me. He is truly the love of my life.
I'm sure you've figured out by now that I'm talking about my sweet sweet Jesus. HE is my true love. HE is the love of my life and the lover of my soul. HE satisfies me. If I had nothing else, but had him, I'd have it all. Since that day he picked me up out of my pit and washed me, I have gotten to know him so much more. He has changed me completely. I'm not the same person I was before, and I praise God for that! He restored me and redeemed me for His glory. About 1 year after He rescued me from the pit, HE brought my husband to me. Similar to my story with my Savior, Jarred saw me at my darkest moments. I met him when I was in college, and he saw me flunk out and live in a way I'm ashamed of. I was terrified when he started calling - I didn't want to mess up again. I wanted my next date to be with my husband. Jarred and I had a crazy past because of my stupidity in college, and I just couldn't see how God could be orchestrating a relationship with him. I ignored his calls for almost 3 months, and after a whole lot of time on my knees, I answered my phone when Jarred called the next time. I invited him over to have dinner with me and my family. 9 months later, Jarred and I got married :-) Jarred and my love story is amazing, and I plan to share it on this blog later, but I wanted to share THIS love story first. Jarred and my story pales in comparison to the story I have with Jesus. Jarred's love for me is a reflection of Christ's love, and that's how I knew he was the man God sent to be my husband. I am so thankful for him, and I love him deeply. However, Jarred knows that my heart belongs to Jesus first. I am so thankful that I know the same thing about him. Jarred's heart is mine, but it's mine second. It belongs to Jesus first too.
Marriage has taught me so much about love and about the love God has for us. I more fully understand mercy and grace now. One of my favorite things about marriage is seeking and serving the Lord with Jarred. God has blessed our marriage and placed us in a church with a passion for knowing Jesus, growing together in our walk with the Lord, and spreading the good news of Jesus Christ. As we've sought and learned together, we've been given opportunities I could've never dreamed up - they're way better than my wildest dreams! Truths about discipleship, missions, and stewardship have been poured into us, and we are forever changed because of it. The most recent adventure we've been on is the calling to adopt. About 18 months ago, we felt like God was leading us down that path, and today by miraculous provision, we are proud parents with two beautiful children. I'm telling you, when you let God write your life story and love story, buckle up and hang on cause it's going to be exceedingly abundantly more than you could ever imagine or dream. I can't wait to see where our journey goes next and what adventure we get to go on!
If you're interested in our adoption journey, please check out our other blog: www.forthischildiprayed2016.blogspot.com
If you're interested in knowing how you can have a love story with Jesus like mine, please email me and I'll be happy to buy you a cup of coffee and talk with you about it. My email address is: Godrocks4life@yahoo.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment