BIG Changes & God's Faithfulness

It's incredible how much can change in such a short time...

In just a few short weeks, our life have been turned upside down! 

Let me start with a quick surgery update. Things are going really good. I was officially released from my surgeon a couple of weeks ago. Physically, I am feeling so much better - like better than I did prior to surgery - praise the Lord! Emotionally, I still have days that I struggle with feelings of grief and loss, but those days are not as often as they were a few weeks ago, and the emotions is not as overwhelming. I realize that I will go through waves of emotions that can be triggered by just about anything. However, for today, I claim victory and thank God for his mercy and grace!

A couple of weeks after my last blog post, I was really struggling.I could almost physically feel my entire family under spiritual attack - from every possible direction. If you don't know it already, I can assure you that Satan wants to kill families. He truly is, as 1 Peter 5:8 says, Satan is "a roaring lion, walking about, seeking whom he may devour". He wants you, your spouse, your kids, and your marriage. It was a hard moment when Jarred and I realized how unprepared our family was for those attacks. 

I am so thankful for godly influences in my life - people who love me and tell me the truth of God's Word (even when I'm rebellious to it). It was at that moment a couple of weeks after my last blog post - when I felt like I was literally at rock bottom (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) - that God used one of those godly influences and He did a work in me. A precious friend read scripture over me and trusted God to change my hardened, rebellious heart into a soft, repentant one - and God did! I finally recognized that I had allowed my priorities to get out of order. I definitely didn't have God first, and I was putting other things before my husband and children. They needed me, and I had let them down. It was devastating to come to that realization, but it was necessary. Speaking of that realization - I think there is some TV show called "Snapped" about people who "snap" and then murder somebody. I have to say, it was a little bit like that -haha! But for real - it was like blinders fell off my eyes and I snapped awake - like I haven't been awake in several years. I confessed my sin to the Lord and to Jarred and since then it's been a whirlwind of change.

Jarred and I had been talking for several months about me staying home with the kids, but neither of us had clarity or peace about pulling the trigger. After my "come to Jesus" moment, I truly had clarity and peace. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was telling me to stay home. It was similar to the clarity I had when we adopted - I KNOW God told me "this is My plan for you". I also realized that God had been telling me to stay home for months, but fear and pride had led to disobedience. Well then Mama hen reared her head - in the days following, I felt such a strong desire/urge to gather my little chickies under my wings so I could protect them, weather the storm, and help stabilize our family. Jarred and I talked, and we both overwhelmingly felt the same way - God gave us both the clarity and peace, and I'm so thankful for that. 

I truly enjoyed working with my dad and selling insurance, so to be honest quitting my job was gut-wrenching, emotional, hard, and super painful (for me and my dad). As difficult as it was though, I know it was right because God gave Jarred and I such clear direction and peace. He has confirmed it multiple times since making the decision, and I know God will provide for my dad.

Thus, the transition to a one-income family begins - lol. A total budget overhaul happened  - learning to live within our means, sacrificing things we've been enjoying, eating some very un-tasty crow, and getting seriously humble about where we are and the mistakes we've made financially. It has not been easy, but I know it will be worth it. I am so encouraged and excited that we (for the first time since the kids were born) have a plan for a balanced budget. God has always been faithful to provide, and he's confirmed it to us even recently that he will continue to take care of us. Ya'll, He is so good and so faithful! 

Lastly, Jarred & I decided that I will home-school Selah & Judah this year. I have to be perfectly honest, I am terrified - haha! As in, I have a history of staying home with them and ending up in the fetal position crying by the end of the day (literally - I'm not joking). BUT, I am also excited . I have always liked the idea of teaching and even flirted with the idea of early childhood education when I was in high school and college. 

Funny story break... I used to "teach" my younger brother and sister when we were kids. I'm 1 year older than my brother and 3 years older than my sister, so you can imagine the "teaching" I did. I vividly remember making them sit down in front of our little play chalkboard and lecturing them like we were at school. I'm also pretty sure they hated it, and I threatened them with bodily harm if they got up - but none-the-less, it is a funny story. 

So with Selah & Judah, I am just going to do my best this year and not put a lot of pressure on myself or them (they're 3 years old for crying out loud). I think it will give us some structure and routine we are needing, and hopefully they'll learn a little something. And I think I will truly enjoy preparing and planning - that's kinda my happy place. Then we'll re-evaluate next year. No pressure or stress - that's my motto this year regarding home school. 

So that's a little update and insight into our Crazy Wonderful Summey Life. I am so excited for the changes I see happening - and for how I see God working through all of it. I truly cannot wait to see what is on the horizon! I haven't been this excited, motivated, encouraged, and... HAPPY for a long time. I think I got into a major funk after the kids were born, and I kinda lost myself a little bit. But BETH IS COMING BACK - consider yourself warned haha!

IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK

I never meant for it to be over two years between my last post and this one... life just got a little crazy - I guess that's what two babies five months apart will do for you!!! So much has happened in the past two years, and I am excited to start writing about it. My prayer is that it will be beneficial to anyone who reads it and that God will receive honor from every word I write. I also think it will be helpful for me - I process a lot of the hard things in my life by writing, and I enjoy reading back over what I've written and being able to see God's faithfulness (even in the hard things). 

I'll start with a quick update about the kiddos... Selah and Judah are both doing GREAT! Selah turned 3 years old on June 2nd and Judah will be 3 in November. Our house stays in a constant state of disaster, and toys have taken over pretty much everything haha! But there is absolutely nothing like your children running towards you with arms open wide, squealing with excitement because they're happy to see you when you get home. It just doesn't get any better than that!  Both kids are super healthy and into literally everything. Motherhood has been a brand new adventure for me, and it's been wonderful, amazing,fulfilling, challenging, surprising, and overwhelming. I plan on writing more about that later.

I guess the main reason I was prompted to start blogging again was my recent surgery. Not only has it allowed me to be home recovering for a couple of weeks, but it has stirred up the desire to write again. Again, part of that is probably because I process hard things by writing. My surgery was June 4th, and I had a total hysterectomy. To say this was a difficult surgery (physically and emotionally) would be an understatement. In fact, it took me almost a year to get up the guts to have it! I was diagnosed with complex hyperplasia in August of 2018. That combined with other issues, family history, genetic factors, etc led the doctor to recommend a hysterectomy. If I'm completely honest, I was absolutely devastated by the news. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly thankful for Selah and Judah, but the desire to have a biological child and carry a baby never left. Adoption cured childlessness, but not infertility. After a year of wrestling internally, getting opinions, and researching, I scheduled surgery. I have two kids I want to be healthy for.

I want to be totally transparent and honest in this blog, so I have to admit that over the past year, I have struggled a lot with anxiety and depression. My typical response to both of those is to isolate myself - I tend to hide or run away when I feel like I can't handle something. I've struggled emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I know God loves me. I know His plans for me are good. I know He is faithful. He has proven this over and over again in my life. However, that doesn't make the pain go away. One of the things that I have learned recently is that it's ok to feel pain - to mourn - to hurt. It's ok to be broken and "not ok". I think I'd forgotten that. I had beat myself up and told myself if I had faith, I'd be able to handle this better. But I realized that IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK. I don't want to stay in that place forever, but for a season, it's ok. I've struggled to see God's plan in the hysterectomy, I've distanced myself from my friends, and I've struggled with feelings of failure. That's kind of the summary of where I've been at for the past year. Not glamorous or sparkly, but true.

Coming to the realization of what having a hysterectomy actually means has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. These things specifically have proven most difficult:

• Jarred and I will never have a biological child
• I'll never be pregnant, feel a baby inside me, be able to nurse
• I'll never know what a Jarred/Beth combo baby would be like
• I'll never have my husband's child
• I am a barren woman
• I have no womb

Realizing these things is one thing, but accepting them is honestly something I'm just now processing. It's hard. It's painful. Even as I write all of this, it seems somewhat like a dream. That's one reason I decided to blog again - just writing these things down helps me process them. I waited till I was off the "real" pain meds, but I want to remember how I feel right now. I want to look back one day and see how God used this for my good and His glory. And really that's the kicker - I have faith - I KNOW God will get me through this and work it all out for my good. Anyway, I look forward to writing more later, but I felt like today might be a good day to start sharing.

The Love Of My Life

Well, I finally gave in and started a new blog! People have been telling me forever that I need to write down all of my crazy stories, and I just never did. After the adoption, I decided blogging might be kind of fun :-) So, I decided that today is the day!

I am always horrible at starting a new journal, and I'm feeling that same awkwardness as I start this blog. I never know what to say to get started. I feel the need to explain myself - who I am, why I'm writing, my whole life story- lol. I won't bore you with my entire story (not today, anyway), but I do want to give you a peek into who I am...

I'm Beth - a follower of Jesus Christ, a wife, and a mother to two beautiful children. I'm not perfect - in fact, sometimes I'm a hot mess! The thing that most impacted who today was meeting the LOVE OF MY LIFE. Our story is incredible, and I thought I'd start this blog by sharing it. I met him when I was five years old, and it's been such a journey ever since. It might sound crazy that I've known him that long, but I honestly knew he was the one for me at that age. I knew he loved me, and I loved him (the best a five year old could, I guess). I was in kindergarten, and I remember thinking it'd be appropriate to tell my entire class, and my teacher, that I was in love with him. Looking back, I think about how innocent that five year old little girl was, and it makes me happy to know I loved him so much at such an early age. Unfortunately, we drifted apart. It was almost 10 years before I reconnected with him. I just stopped talking to him, and when he'd try to talk to me, I'd ignore him. It was a hard 10 years for me - there were good times, but it was especially hard during my "tween-age" and teen years. I was so lonely. Truthfully, I became a little bit boy crazy. I was loved by my parents and my family, but I desperately wanted to be accepted and  loved by a boy. I wanted to meet my prince charming like in the  movies. I went through a season of depression and anxiety during middle school, and not coincidentally, that's when he reached out to me again. He started calling me, but I wouldn't answer (I"m ashamed to say that's something that I'd do over and over again). Eventually, I frustratingly talked to him. He said he still loved me just like he did when I was 5, and that he wanted me back. I was 14 years old, and just about to start high school. This is where things really started to pick up speed!

That summer, he and I spent a lot of time together. We talked almost non-stop! When I started school in August, that depressed anxious girl was gone. This guy had totally changed everything. I was happy and confident. I knew who I was, and I had purpose. I gave my heart completely to him, and committed to love him forever. I promised him I'd never love anyone more than him. I can honestly say that my freshman year of high school was my all-time favorite year of school! We were together that entire school year, and things were great. I fell so in love with him, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this amazing guy. Sophomore year started out pretty good, but then my grandparents both got sick at the same time, and I started having thyroid trouble. Looking back, I can see how I pushed him away. I wanted to handle everything going on in my family (and with me) on my own. I  wanted to know that I could make it by myself. I loved him with all my heart, but I was so stubborn. He begged me to let him help me, but I said no. Finally, he gave me some space. I didn't know it then, but that was the worst mistake of my life. The next 10 years were the worst of my life so far.

I became a person I never dreamed I'd be - in a really really bad way. I decided during that sophomore year of high school that I should try seeing other people - maybe they'd fill the giant hole in my heart. The worst part was, I knew the whole time my heart really belonged to the guy I met when I was five. My grandpa died my Junior year, and I got into a serious relationship a few months later. My heart was hurting from losing my grandpa - he was the first person I really knew that  died. I wanted a boyfriend so badly, and this guy swept me off my feet. He told me I was beautiful. He told me he loved me. I remember at the beginning of that relationship thinking, run away and go back to your true love. I chose not to. That choice had devastating consequences. I was with that guy for 3.5 years. I was in love, but I wasn't happy. There were times when I was so depressed and unhappy that I wanted to die. I even tried to act on those feelings once. That is incredibly difficult for me to say and admit, but I think it's so important to realize how messed up I'd become. I compromised on things I knew were wrong. I completely betrayed my first love. Meanwhile,my true love was desperately trying to get in touch with me. He called over and over. He kept sending me messages and telling me I was with the wrong guy and begging me to come back. He even talked to my family and friends and sent them to tell me I was making a mistake. He was persistent, but I was so incredibly stubborn and rebellious. I was engaged to my boyfriend by my senior year of high school, and started college totally distracted by thyroid surgery and wedding planning. After a couple of breakups and get-back-together's, I had totally flunked out of college. I lost my music and academic scholarships. Sometimes I still get mad at myself, but I can't go back. I can't blame anyone but myself either. I was consumed with the wedding and my boyfriend. We started having wedding showers and mailed the invitations. It was less than month before the big day, and he dumped me. Devastated isn't a strong enough word to describe how I felt.

I wish I could say that I picked myself up, called up my true love, and we rode into the sunset together, but that's not how our story goes. I had been away from my true love for so long, and I was so ashamed of the person I had become. I felt completely and utterly worthless - filthy and damaged and worthless. The next year was the darkest. I wanted to die again and was afraid of how unstable I was emotionally. The guy I met at five years old started calling, but I was too out of sorts to talk or listen. I felt like I was unreachable - from the entire world. He kept calling and calling, but I never answered. I went through several months laying in the bottom of this muddy disgusting pit (why I didn't choose a clean tile floor, I'll never know lol). When I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Another guy came into the picture for a very short time. I didn't care what was right or wrong, I didn't care who I hurt - I thought I was at rock bottom, but that pit got just a little deeper and more gross. It was spring of 2008, and I was laying face down in my awful pit when my true love showed up. I begged him to leave - I begged him not to  look at me. I was humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me looking so repulsive. I made myself want to throw up, I couldn't fathom anyone else not wanting to when they looked at me. I cried and begged him again to leave me alone. I just wanted to die - just wanted to lay there and die in my stupid pit. My true love got quiet, and I thought for a minute that was going to leave. He didn't though - not by a long shot. 

This amazing guy looked down at me with big crocodile tears running down his face and reached out his hand. I was to ashamed to take it. I'm telling you, I was filthy! How could I touch him after how I'd betrayed him. I promised that I'd love him forever, and I'd betrayed him. Finally, he reached down and picked me up. I couldn't raise my head to look at him. I had missed him so much, but how could he even look at me after all I'd done? He gently wrapped his arms around me, and I was too weak to even fight him this time. I just collapsed into them. Me not being the smallest person in the world figured he'd drop me, but he didn't - he held me up. I told him everything I'd done, and I cried till there were no  tears left and I couldn't breathe. Please excuse the intimacy of the next part, but again, it's so vital to see how much this man loves me. He took my hand and led me to the bathroom. He turned on the hot  water in the shower and told me to get in. This time, I didn't hesitate. I was mesmerized by him. He looked at me so differently than the other guys. He treated me differently than the other guys. His face was tear stained but strong. I stood there in my shower naked and exposed, and he began to wash me. I thought I couldn't cry more, but I did. He was so gentle and tender as he cleaned me up. All the filth from the pit washed down the drain. I had cuts and wounds, and he bandaged them for me. I still have the scars, but the dirt is gone. He kept telling me it was going to be ok, and that he loved me just like he did when I was five. How? I still can't wrap my head around that. How could he still love me? Why did he still love me? Why did he wash me? Why was he taking care of me? I hadn't talked to him in 10 years. I didn't even know him anymore. He laid down next to me that night and held me. Somehow, this man had given me a tiny spark of hope back. Maybe I would be ok.

I spent the next year getting to know him again. He was so patient with me. We did everything together. I struggled with guilt and regret, but he never even brought up my past. Our relationship flourished! I never dreamed I would find someone like him. I never dreamed that our relationship could look like it does today after everything I did to betray him. He is faithful, truthful, kind, compassionate, giving, steady, strong, loving, forgiving, and wonderful! Even today, I have to pinch myself sometimes because I still can't believe he wants me! I tell him everything, even the bad stuff. No matter what problem I'm having, I can go to him, and he always knows what to do. He takes care of me, protects me, and provides for me. He is truly the love of my life. 

I'm sure you've figured out  by now that I'm talking about my sweet sweet Jesus. HE is my true love. HE is the love of my life and the lover of my soul. HE satisfies me. If I had nothing else, but had him, I'd have it all. Since that day he picked me up out of my pit and washed me, I have gotten to know him so much more. He has changed me completely. I'm not the same person I was before, and I praise God for that! He restored me and redeemed me for His glory. About 1 year after He rescued me from the pit, HE brought my husband to me. Similar to my story with my Savior, Jarred saw me at my darkest moments. I met him when I was in college, and he saw me flunk out and live in a way I'm ashamed of. I was terrified when he started calling - I didn't want to mess up again. I wanted my next date to be with my husband. Jarred and I had a crazy past because of my stupidity in college, and I just couldn't see how God could be orchestrating a relationship with him. I ignored his calls for almost 3 months, and after a whole lot of time on my knees, I answered my phone when Jarred called the next time. I invited him over to have dinner with me and my family. 9 months later, Jarred and I got married :-) Jarred and my love story is amazing, and I plan to share it on this blog later, but I wanted to share THIS love story first. Jarred and my story pales in comparison to the story I have with Jesus. Jarred's love  for me is a reflection of Christ's love, and that's how I knew he was the man God sent to be my husband. I am so thankful for him, and I love him deeply. However, Jarred knows that my heart belongs to Jesus first. I am so thankful that I know the same thing about him. Jarred's heart is mine, but it's mine second. It belongs to Jesus first too. 

Marriage has taught me so much about love and about the love God has for us. I more fully understand mercy and grace now. One of my favorite things about marriage is seeking and serving the Lord with Jarred. God has blessed our marriage and placed us in a church with a passion for knowing Jesus, growing together in our walk with the Lord, and spreading the good news of Jesus Christ. As we've sought and learned together, we've been given opportunities I could've never dreamed up - they're way better than my wildest dreams! Truths about discipleship, missions, and stewardship have been poured into us, and we are forever changed because of it. The most recent adventure we've been on is the calling to adopt. About 18 months ago, we felt like God was leading us down that path, and today by miraculous provision, we are proud parents with two beautiful children. I'm telling you, when you let God write your life story and love story, buckle up and hang on cause it's going to be exceedingly abundantly more than you could ever imagine or dream. I can't wait to see where our journey goes next and what adventure  we get to go on! 

If you're interested in our adoption journey, please check out our other blog: www.forthischildiprayed2016.blogspot.com

If you're interested in knowing how you can have a love story with Jesus like mine, please email me and I'll be happy to buy you a cup of coffee and talk with you about it. My email address is: Godrocks4life@yahoo.com.