IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK

I never meant for it to be over two years between my last post and this one... life just got a little crazy - I guess that's what two babies five months apart will do for you!!! So much has happened in the past two years, and I am excited to start writing about it. My prayer is that it will be beneficial to anyone who reads it and that God will receive honor from every word I write. I also think it will be helpful for me - I process a lot of the hard things in my life by writing, and I enjoy reading back over what I've written and being able to see God's faithfulness (even in the hard things). 

I'll start with a quick update about the kiddos... Selah and Judah are both doing GREAT! Selah turned 3 years old on June 2nd and Judah will be 3 in November. Our house stays in a constant state of disaster, and toys have taken over pretty much everything haha! But there is absolutely nothing like your children running towards you with arms open wide, squealing with excitement because they're happy to see you when you get home. It just doesn't get any better than that!  Both kids are super healthy and into literally everything. Motherhood has been a brand new adventure for me, and it's been wonderful, amazing,fulfilling, challenging, surprising, and overwhelming. I plan on writing more about that later.

I guess the main reason I was prompted to start blogging again was my recent surgery. Not only has it allowed me to be home recovering for a couple of weeks, but it has stirred up the desire to write again. Again, part of that is probably because I process hard things by writing. My surgery was June 4th, and I had a total hysterectomy. To say this was a difficult surgery (physically and emotionally) would be an understatement. In fact, it took me almost a year to get up the guts to have it! I was diagnosed with complex hyperplasia in August of 2018. That combined with other issues, family history, genetic factors, etc led the doctor to recommend a hysterectomy. If I'm completely honest, I was absolutely devastated by the news. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly thankful for Selah and Judah, but the desire to have a biological child and carry a baby never left. Adoption cured childlessness, but not infertility. After a year of wrestling internally, getting opinions, and researching, I scheduled surgery. I have two kids I want to be healthy for.

I want to be totally transparent and honest in this blog, so I have to admit that over the past year, I have struggled a lot with anxiety and depression. My typical response to both of those is to isolate myself - I tend to hide or run away when I feel like I can't handle something. I've struggled emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I know God loves me. I know His plans for me are good. I know He is faithful. He has proven this over and over again in my life. However, that doesn't make the pain go away. One of the things that I have learned recently is that it's ok to feel pain - to mourn - to hurt. It's ok to be broken and "not ok". I think I'd forgotten that. I had beat myself up and told myself if I had faith, I'd be able to handle this better. But I realized that IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK. I don't want to stay in that place forever, but for a season, it's ok. I've struggled to see God's plan in the hysterectomy, I've distanced myself from my friends, and I've struggled with feelings of failure. That's kind of the summary of where I've been at for the past year. Not glamorous or sparkly, but true.

Coming to the realization of what having a hysterectomy actually means has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. These things specifically have proven most difficult:

• Jarred and I will never have a biological child
• I'll never be pregnant, feel a baby inside me, be able to nurse
• I'll never know what a Jarred/Beth combo baby would be like
• I'll never have my husband's child
• I am a barren woman
• I have no womb

Realizing these things is one thing, but accepting them is honestly something I'm just now processing. It's hard. It's painful. Even as I write all of this, it seems somewhat like a dream. That's one reason I decided to blog again - just writing these things down helps me process them. I waited till I was off the "real" pain meds, but I want to remember how I feel right now. I want to look back one day and see how God used this for my good and His glory. And really that's the kicker - I have faith - I KNOW God will get me through this and work it all out for my good. Anyway, I look forward to writing more later, but I felt like today might be a good day to start sharing.